It’s officially over.
I’m not breastfeeding. I’m not pumping. My boobs are mine again. I should be rejoicing but instead I’m mourning the last drops of breast milk that went into New Baby’s bottles just the other day. Thinking about it still makes me feel a twinge of sadness.
It’s a bittersweet feeling. I am one of the few and lucky ones that didn’t have problems breastfeeding. Meaning that I had supply, I didn’t get mastitis, my baby latched and all was good. (As an aside, for anyone who has issues I applaud your efforts I’m not quite sure if I could have shown the same dedication in the face of challenges on this front.)
My approach to breastfeeding was simple – if it works for us great but if it didn’t then no worries the kid will still eat. I was given formula and turned out to be a healthy happy human so will New Baby.
Before you think I’m effortlessly chill let me just tell you I HAD to take that stance for my own sanity. I’m actually a crazy perfectionist at heart and if I didn’t tell myself that it’s totally cool to do or not do this and deliberately NOT have plans about it I would have driven myself into depression.
And now that the well has literally dried up I feel… a little… well… guilty.
- Guilty for not breastfeeding longer
- And extra guilty because it was relatively easy for me, I didn’t even have to work that hard for it and I’m not doing it anymore
- Guilty for not trying hard to keep up my supply
- I could have tried ‘power hour’ pumping sessions or all of the lactation inducing food items on repeat, but I didn’t
- Guilty for being excited to have my body back
- No one is relying on my body for anything and it’s kinda great
This is where it’s awesome to have a cheerleader in your life. As I confessed these things in our kitchen to my husband who was busy washing New Baby’s bottles from daycare he said:
I’m not going to pretend to understand how you’re feeling but what I will tell you is this…
You made it longer with New Baby than you did with V
He’s got over 9 months of breast milk under his belt and soon he’ll be One and onto real human food so it’s about to end anyway
You did awesome, it’s over… and time for you to get over it“
He’s right. All of that is true. Especially the last point – it’s over and time for me to get over it. Stop dwelling and MOVE ON!
There really are so many things to look forward to…
- My pump doesn’t need to ride shotgun on the commute to work anymore
- My schedule just opened up, no need to block chunks of time and lock my office door to pump over emails
- No more thawing bags of milk and stressing about losing a drop of liquid gold to a leaky bag
- I get my boobs back
Oh.. and above all my little dude will be totally and completely FINE without it.
Cheers to that!